The Problem With "Being Good"

Nobody really talks about how difficult it is to be the person that seemingly has their shit together.

Work asks for something and you get it done. Your family needs something and you do it without hesitation. A neighbor needs help with something and you smile and lend a hand.

All while trying to hold the pieces of yourself together.

It's even worse when everyone looks up to you as always knowing how things work or having the answer. Nobody expects the person who's always there to complete the task or take care of everything to ever be struggling.

But that's how I've felt for the past few years.

Life piles on.

And it's hard.

One thing after another. Work. Family. The house. Responsibilities. The endless mental checklist that never seems to get any shorter.

And even though I'm technically still doing much of the same work I was doing for Lion Brand (which makes me laugh), it's been a weight off to know that I'm not an employee anymore.

Not because I had any problem with my job or anyone there. If I did, I certainly wouldn't still be freelancing for them.

But because it was one weight I could choose to lift off myself.

I can breathe a little easier.

I can work on my own schedule.

I can structure my days around the things that matter most.

With Maggie asleep and Rick out with friends, I sit outside at almost 9 PM. There's a light breeze blowing, and for the first time in a long time it feels quiet.

And now, in the stillness, on my terms and in my time, now I can work.

Because during the day I give all of me to the things I think are truly important to be present for.

The "Mommy, come play." The "Mommy, I made this for you."

The little moments that are so easy to miss if we're always looking ahead to the next thing on the list.

The work will still be there.

The emails will still be there.

The projects will still be there.

But she won't always be three.

Maybe being the person who has their shit together isn't about carrying everything.

Maybe it's about learning what deserves to be carried first.

To one person you are the world, and to the world you are just one person.