Put On Your Public Face

On the morning of my first sonogram I was anxious. I could just feel something was wrong. Rick and our parents had been trying to calm my nerves for the past several days. And to make matters worse I had to go to the appointment alone. Thanks to Covid restrictions only patients are allowed in my Drs office. 

Sitting in the examination room waiting I called Rick on FaceTime so he could be there in some way. The Dr came in on a positive note saying how high my HCG levels had come back. Then the sonogram started and the positivity ended. Not viable (turned out to be ectopic), no gestational sac in the uterus, instead it was in my right fallopian tube.

My fears had been realized. I could tell by Rick's face that he was crushed, but trying to hold it in. I left the office with a paper detailing the next steps and a hollow feeling inside. 

I called my mom and sobbed on the 15 minute drive back. When I got home I took the time with Rick for a brief moment of sadness, a hug, and an attempt at looking on the "bright side." We would try IVF as soon as I was cleared for it.

Then, because it was Thursday, I slid into a chair at my computer and got to work. I remember I had several meetings that day and I was still wiping my eyes as I was logging into Teams for my first meeting.

Telling nobody and holding that moment in was hard, yet at the same time I didn't want to explain the situation to anyone. Once again I turned to knitting and crochet as therapy. There's so many articles out there that repeat that message of meditation and therapy in craft. I get tired of hearing about it, but at the same time I can't deny it's truth. Something about the rhythm of it. And also being able to focus my attention on each stitch. Doing something creative and keeping your mind busy is important in so many instances. The whole world should knit or crochet. 

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